Some days are harder than others

And tonight is one of those "harder" nights.

I've been doing pretty well. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it's another holiday season and Christmas without a kid.

But sometimes I wonder, what is wrong with me? Why haven't we been deemed "fit" to parent? Why hasn't anyone decided that I will be a good mother? People tell me "oh, you will be a good mom", "your child will be lucky to have you" etc. All I want is to know what I need to do to change so someone will pick us. What is wrong with me?

I was at a party last night, and a friend asked "not to get too personal, but what is it that is taking so long? You should be parents by now". And at the cookie party Mike, with the kids -melted my heart. And I had a blast playing with them all- from my 5 year old nephew to my 1 year old niece- I even wore her in a Moby to show how it works. She loved it, it was so much fun. A couple times when she cried I was closest to her and picked her up and comforted her, with her snuggling against me.

A little while after the party I started crying. Why? What is it about us that people read our profile or website and say "no. they aren't it". Why? What is wrong with me? I love kids, was born to be a mom, and mike was born to be a dad. Why do people think we aren't it?

Ok, I'm crying again.

What is wrong with us? It's been over 17 months. Why aren't we good enough, what do we have to do to be good enough to be parents?

I'll feel better tomorrow. Things will be ok. Mike comforted me, reminded me that I am a good person, we are a great family. And we will someday be blessed with a little one. He tells me not to be so hard on myself. He's frustrated too, but he makes sure that I am ok, that I don't beat up on myself too much. He says it's a supply issue- there are just too many people like us who are waiting to adopt, and not enough children to adopt. Someday...

Well, it's just a low on the roller coaster. There will be a high eventually, it's just not today. We will be blessed some day. For now. we just smile and enjoy life the way it is.

I am looking forward to Christmas with Mike. He's going to be Santa for our nieces and nephews. They will enjoy it. And he has a good time playing the role too. Though he can't wait until it's our little one, and our child who is discovering the wonders of a visit from Santa. The first year we have a child and our child is able to understand who Santa is, Mike is NOT going to play Santa- he'll get to enjoy our little one as he or she has their first visit with Santa.

It'll happen some day.

The Upside

The upside to not having any kids yet- we can have a niece or nephew over for the weekend and spend the whole weekend doting on them.

Today is our youngest niece's birthday. She's 1 today- wow, time sure does fly! We are going to dinner at Carlton Woods to celebrate her special day.

Our older niece is going to come home with us tonight. She's going to stay through Sunday, we'll take her home Sunday evening. We are looking forward to it. She's a sweetheart. She has the biggest crush on Unka Mike, it's cute =) We know we are going to have a great time with her this weekend.

Now of course we'll have the nieces and nephews over when we have kids, they'll come to play with their cousins. But for now, we'll enjoy this special time we get with the kiddos and cherish their visits.

Baby fix

I got to have a baby fix today. My friend had several doctors appointments today. She has a 6 week old, and knew most likely he'd not cooperate the whole time. So, I went with her to hang out, and watched him while she was doing her appointments.

It was nice to visit with her. New parenthood is stressful, but she looks great. I was glad to get to visit with her, and I know she probably felt the same way. We went to lunch after the appointments and then each headed home.

Her little guy is so cute! I hadn't seen him since the day he was born, in the hospital. He sure has grown a lot! And such a sweet little guy. He had his moments, but we (and sometimes it was I while she was in with the DR) got him calmed down. Nothing that couldn't be managed.

The poor little guy is lactose intolerant, and colicky as well. So he sure does give Mom and Dad a run for their money. Sometimes though, he just wants to be held, or just wants his pacifier. But you'd think he was super hungry or had a dirty diaper or something with all the hollering :) It was so sweet!

I really enjoyed spending time with her and getting to help with him. I needed that baby fix.

Mike hasn't seen him since the hospital either- and asked me to take pictures with my camera phone. My friend remarked, and I totally agree, it's so neat to see Mike so genuinely interested in babies and kids, even when they aren't his own. Mike really does care about the kids of our friends, and it's really a special to see.

I know he's going to be a great daddy when the timing is right! I just wish the time was soon!

practice

We were fortunate enough to have our 18 month old niece visit us for a few days. We had a wonderful time with her, did the typical toddler things with her, and really enjoyed her. She is a sweetheart. Seeing Mike with her and how he handled her- it made my heart melt. He's going to be an excellent Daddy. I just can't wait for that day....

Looking forward to this weekend

We are really looking forward to this weekend. Our niece is coming to visit ;) We go to see our nephew play in a soccer game tomorrow, then go to The Woodlands Waterway Arts Festival, and bring her home with us.

My friend's daughter turned one today. She is having a birthday party at Toddler Town, an indoor playground on Sunday. The kids are going to have a lot of fun :) I know my niece will have a great time playing with my friend's daughter (my niece is a few months older, but they play well together) and enjoying the birthday party. Another friend of mine has a one year old (her birthday was last month) and she's bringing her too. There will be several that are the same age.

Our niece gets to stay with us until Tuesday, so we'll have plenty of play time on Monday and Tuesday. If the weather is nice, we'll take lots of walks, and maybe go play at Challenger 7 Memorial Park (it has a great playground).

Mike is on call on Monday and Tuesday (he goes in to work at 2), so we'll go have a special dinner with him on Monday night at our niece's favorite mexican restaurant. She always has a good time when she goes, and she charms all the waiters and waitresses.

We got the great news that another family using our agency that we keep in contact with was also matched. Their baby is due in August. Fantastic news!