Some days are harder than others

And tonight is one of those "harder" nights.

I've been doing pretty well. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it's another holiday season and Christmas without a kid.

But sometimes I wonder, what is wrong with me? Why haven't we been deemed "fit" to parent? Why hasn't anyone decided that I will be a good mother? People tell me "oh, you will be a good mom", "your child will be lucky to have you" etc. All I want is to know what I need to do to change so someone will pick us. What is wrong with me?

I was at a party last night, and a friend asked "not to get too personal, but what is it that is taking so long? You should be parents by now". And at the cookie party Mike, with the kids -melted my heart. And I had a blast playing with them all- from my 5 year old nephew to my 1 year old niece- I even wore her in a Moby to show how it works. She loved it, it was so much fun. A couple times when she cried I was closest to her and picked her up and comforted her, with her snuggling against me.

A little while after the party I started crying. Why? What is it about us that people read our profile or website and say "no. they aren't it". Why? What is wrong with me? I love kids, was born to be a mom, and mike was born to be a dad. Why do people think we aren't it?

Ok, I'm crying again.

What is wrong with us? It's been over 17 months. Why aren't we good enough, what do we have to do to be good enough to be parents?

I'll feel better tomorrow. Things will be ok. Mike comforted me, reminded me that I am a good person, we are a great family. And we will someday be blessed with a little one. He tells me not to be so hard on myself. He's frustrated too, but he makes sure that I am ok, that I don't beat up on myself too much. He says it's a supply issue- there are just too many people like us who are waiting to adopt, and not enough children to adopt. Someday...

Well, it's just a low on the roller coaster. There will be a high eventually, it's just not today. We will be blessed some day. For now. we just smile and enjoy life the way it is.

I am looking forward to Christmas with Mike. He's going to be Santa for our nieces and nephews. They will enjoy it. And he has a good time playing the role too. Though he can't wait until it's our little one, and our child who is discovering the wonders of a visit from Santa. The first year we have a child and our child is able to understand who Santa is, Mike is NOT going to play Santa- he'll get to enjoy our little one as he or she has their first visit with Santa.

It'll happen some day.