Sunday, December 09, 2007

Some days are harder than others

And tonight is one of those "harder" nights.

I've been doing pretty well. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it's another holiday season and Christmas without a kid.

But sometimes I wonder, what is wrong with me? Why haven't we been deemed "fit" to parent? Why hasn't anyone decided that I will be a good mother? People tell me "oh, you will be a good mom", "your child will be lucky to have you" etc. All I want is to know what I need to do to change so someone will pick us. What is wrong with me?

I was at a party last night, and a friend asked "not to get too personal, but what is it that is taking so long? You should be parents by now". And at the cookie party Mike, with the kids -melted my heart. And I had a blast playing with them all- from my 5 year old nephew to my 1 year old niece- I even wore her in a Moby to show how it works. She loved it, it was so much fun. A couple times when she cried I was closest to her and picked her up and comforted her, with her snuggling against me.

A little while after the party I started crying. Why? What is it about us that people read our profile or website and say "no. they aren't it". Why? What is wrong with me? I love kids, was born to be a mom, and mike was born to be a dad. Why do people think we aren't it?

Ok, I'm crying again.

What is wrong with us? It's been over 17 months. Why aren't we good enough, what do we have to do to be good enough to be parents?

I'll feel better tomorrow. Things will be ok. Mike comforted me, reminded me that I am a good person, we are a great family. And we will someday be blessed with a little one. He tells me not to be so hard on myself. He's frustrated too, but he makes sure that I am ok, that I don't beat up on myself too much. He says it's a supply issue- there are just too many people like us who are waiting to adopt, and not enough children to adopt. Someday...

Well, it's just a low on the roller coaster. There will be a high eventually, it's just not today. We will be blessed some day. For now. we just smile and enjoy life the way it is.

I am looking forward to Christmas with Mike. He's going to be Santa for our nieces and nephews. They will enjoy it. And he has a good time playing the role too. Though he can't wait until it's our little one, and our child who is discovering the wonders of a visit from Santa. The first year we have a child and our child is able to understand who Santa is, Mike is NOT going to play Santa- he'll get to enjoy our little one as he or she has their first visit with Santa.

It'll happen some day.

8 comments:

Annie said...

Those hard days are HARD, I know. I wish I had the answers for you...but I don't. Just know I am praying for you.

Haylie said...

Hey girl...I personally don't know what you're going through but I do know that God's timing is perfect! I'm praying for you and Mike! Don't ever lose hope!!!!

Renee & Paul said...

I'm so sorry Liz that today was hard. I wish I could see into the future and tell you what great plans lie ahead for you bc I know they are sure to be amazing. I know that doesn't help much but your attitude and outlook are inspiring. You will be parents and I just cannot wait for that day to come! Praying for you.

katd said...

I am so sorry for your pain. It is so hard, and I wish so much there was something we could all do to speed things alone. You know we would all do it if we could! :)
I'm with renee, your attitude is amazing, and you are an inspiration to all who read your blog!

L L (skyangel) said...

Please know that we all are aching for you and praying for you and Mike. God hears us...He has a plan, although it is so dificult to understand at times. Hugs friend!

Diana said...

I wish I knew you IRL so I could come over and give you a hug. I would take you out to dinner and give you my shoulder. You and Mike do sound wonderful and will be amazing parents.

4mygirls said...

My dear, you are such an incredible person and pray for strength and patience for the 2 of you. I can only imagine how hard the holiday season is for you and your dh, but know like the others have said, good things are around the corner and the blessings are about to be poured out upon the both of you. You are definitely a worthy person to have a child(ren) and know that day is quickly approaching. Many (((HUGS))) to you! I will see you on the boards (babybags...LOL). Get in on the Fleurville seconds...you are going to need these very soon! :D ~Tina G.

Lawfrog said...

Liz,

The down days are rough, but they are as important to the process as keeping the faith is. It's good to let yourself cry and be sad. That lets out all the emotions so you can have stronger faith afterwards.

Hang in there. Your child is on the way.